Dear Friend,
I write to you with sincere regret and immense pain. I pray that this letter finds you in good time. It’s been a work in progress since December of 2009; a little over a year since I lost you. Obviously, you cross my mind often. I can never forget the memories we made together and the positive and everlasting impact you made on my life. I’m not sure when or if I will ever mail this letter to you. It’s mainly been a personal project to heal myself and come to terms with my mistakes. However; when and if you ever do receive this letter, I pray that it comes at a proper time and that you will take some of my words to heart.
And so, my heart-felt apologies and sentiments begin:

There are 60 seconds in a minute, 60 minutes in an hour, 24 hours in one day, 365 days in one year…and eight years that we were best friends. That’s 252,500,000 unforgettable, blissful, and inspiring seconds of my life that are suddenly wasting away with every lasting breath that I take. That’s a lot of seconds…and a lot of memories. Those memories are all that I have left of you, and they are slowly fading away, as did our broken friendship. And as I reminisce upon the best days of my life, I wonder if you consider those years a waste; a mistake? Do you recall them at all? Do you even remember me? We spent what seemed like a lifetime together; inseparable, forming unforgettable, lasting memories. And in the blink of an eye, our friendship is broken. Have you forgotten me that easily? Do you hate me that much? Am I gone? Am I completely erased?

Although these may still be empty words to you, I am sorry. I am awkward at apologies and besides that I have made the biggest mess of our friendship, so I have no idea how to convey my regret other than that. I could cry sincere tears of regret, which I’ve done a hundred times to soothe my self to sleep, because I still miss you. I could hand-write you a letter of a thousand apologies, until my hand cramps and falls off. I could drop to my knees, and straight from my heart tell you all the pain I’ve been through without you, what a better person you make me (because you did), and beg for your forgiveness. I could tell you how some days have been nearly impossible to go on living without you… Or I could tell you about the dream I had one night, transcribed straight from my journal, the day after I saw you around campus…

The title: “Only In My Dreams”, and this is what it says…
I saw you yesterday, but we didn’t speak, and I’m not sure you even noticed me or maybe you did…
I saw you again in my dreams last night. In my dreams, everything was perfect again.
You scoffed at me because I didn’t have the courage to talk to you yesterday.
You forgave me, you accepted me.
Then, I awoke in tears, facing reality…
In reality, you are still cold and distant, still unforgiving.
This still may be meaningless to you, but I am sorry…
I still miss you, I still love you. I’m still unbelievably sorry for what I did.

I realize this is not the first time I mistreated you, Friend. From the moment I met you, you accepted and loved me with no reservations. Your parents treated me as one of their own. However, I was always unworthy of your kindness. I was intrusive, invasive, loud, obnoxious, fickle, selfish, and inconsiderate. I am forever in debt to you and the hospitality that your family has given to me. My mistakes are monumental. My inferiority is great.

I wish everything could be like it used to be. But I’ve realized that that’s not possible. Unfortunately, my wounded heart may never rest without you, so forgiveness just may have to ease the pain for now. I realize that I may not even deserve forgiveness. I’m not even able to forgive myself for what I’ve done. I called myself your “friend” and tore your family to pieces.

Even if you can’t forgive me, I need your sincere willingness to try. I need sincere forgiveness, absolution, and closure. I need your blessings so I can forgive myself, so I can live my life in peace and no longer on the edge.

As difficult as it is for you, I want you to believe that I honestly, sincerely never meant to hurt you. For years after I lost you, I even searched for answers and wondered so often why I did what I did. “If I loved you so much, then how the fuck did I let myself hurt you?” It’s difficult to admit and may not be the answer you were hoping for, but nonetheless, it’s an answer; in 2009, I was given an official diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. It explains my difficulty in maintaining relationships, my impulsive behavior, and my intense mood swings; whether it is my annoying hyperactive, over-joyous moods, or my intense unjustified angry outbursts that you had witnessed far too many times, this time, most unfortunately directed towards you. Most of all, it explains my fear and feelings of abandonment (whether real or imagined) as our friendship took a turn for the worse. However, mental illness or not, my behavior was unforgivable and there is no justification to how I treated you. You deserved better; and I failed.

You have a strong legacy, Friend. I will always remember you. No matter how long we’ve been separated, you will always be a part of me, and this separation will always hurt. I want you to know you’ve had a great impact on my life. You’ve been a blessing and an inspiration to me, and I want to thank you.
Love,
Anonymous